B is for.....

Bitch.Ok so I was a bitch today. I dont even know why. I dont know whats wrong lately.It just seems like the closer my birthday gets, the more emotional and bitchy I become. I feel fat, I feel old. I feel like I havent accoplished anything in my life.Its like a mid-life crisis, at 20 years old. Soon to be 21 I guess you could say.Yes, Im a Cancer, very emotional and all that fancy ass talk. But come on, this much?I dont understand it. I look in the mirror, and I cry. I feel like I cannot fit into anything. But the fact is, I AM losing weight. In reality, I dont weight that much. And I have never cared THIS much about my weight. Or my looks. I shouldnt. I dont care. But I do I guess, since I am so upset.I yelled at Matt all day, and yes, I feel bad. But at the same time, he said he would go with me to Devina's "going away" bar bq thingy. I am nervous. I want to go, I want to say "goodbye" to her. I even made her a little shitty thing. But at the same time, I am nervous around all "those" people now. We arent friends. I feel like I am a tag-a-long, even though I was invited. But back to Matt. He said he never said that and didnt want to go, so I said I would stay home and we could do something. Then he said fine. Then claimed he didnt say that. He had to go "practive for C.S." WTF. ya ok. I do understand. I just feel like he only sleeps here, and, uh, "other activities" here, and that all. I know its not like that. But I feel like I cannot be all cute with him, and want him here unless he feels the same at that moement.So he left, and I didnt really know he was leaving. So I call him on my dads cell, and we argued, and it tirned into me saying I didnt want him to come to my birthday.Which leads me to this.I dont even feel like I am having one. I dont mean to sound like a brat, but it is a big birthday for me. It just seems like no one cares. I know some do, like Jess, and I am sure Michelle, and probably Matt, but I dont know.Well Jess is here so I got to run!